#only reason is bc i wanna buy my parents’ christmas gifts with my own money but i dont Have my own money

[stillfruit]

i hate spending money i hate how it makes me feel even if there’s no rational reason for it i hate the guilt and the burden and the anxiety and the fear and the pressure and t

[self-shipping-skittles]

hmm...might fuck around and start doing commissions...

[libra-stellium]

Not Being Afraid to Speak Your Truth: Holiday Edition

This Christmas I decided to spend it by myself in my apartment bc last Christmas with my family was such a bad time for me. After last year, I wasn’t feeling the holiday spirit like I usually do (I’m the one who dresses as Mrs Claus every year lol). I didn’t put up any decorations. I didn’t wrap any gifts. Somehow this ended up being a peaceful Christmas and I would do it again!

I got myself some advent calendars and had something to look forward to each day. On Christmas Eve I got the random urge to deep clean my kitchen, cleaned out the fridge and the cabinets. I made myself a nice dinner which I haven’t done in a while and I watched TV. On Christmas Day I woke up almost at 12 bc I went to sleep so late 😭 and I drank coffee and opened my presents from my bestie. Later on I opened presents from my mom and aunt and 🙃 I remembered why they just usually give me money to buy my own presents! Then I made myself another delicious dinner and I played my new switch game. It was such a good weekend!

My weekend wouldn’t have been this peaceful if I hadn’t made it past the arguments and the guilt from telling my fam that I didn’t want to be around them. They were pestering me all week and weekend but 🤷🏾‍♀️ I stood my ground!

Part of the reason why I took this stance this year is because I was feeling lonely at Christmas while with my family. They act so fake the second the holidays start even though they’ve been horrible all year and expect you to do the same 🙄 and I was talking to other people and they all sounded like they had such good times with their families (I know I know comparison is the thief of joy or whatever lol) I wanted that peaceful feeling with or without my family lol come to find outttt everyone was having a shit time??? 🤣 it wasn’t until I was telling everyone my plan for this year that they’re telling me

oh yeah I don’t have fun at Christmas bc I get presents for everyone and make sure they get for each other but no one thinks ahead to make sure I get some

It’s really awkward with my family bc my parents got divorced and they don’t know how to navigate it yet

I’m only going for Christmas bc I have to but I don’t wanna go over there

I asked my mom what she got me and she asked me what I got for myself and that she would just give me the money and I can say it’s from her and put it under the tree

I was honestly shocked hearing all this!! It made me so sad to think that my friends were holding this in. I’m glad I took such a big step bc they’ve also been telling me yeah next year idk what I’m doing but it’s not this. I realize that part of the reason I made my decision is bc the grass looked greener 😂 but I think it worked out in this situation! One of my friends said she’s taking a solo trip out of the country next year and just relaxing from Christmas until the new year I love that!!

All this to say don’t be afraid of making big scary decisions and saying exactly how you feel even if it’s unusual. It’s guaranteed that you’ll get pushback but it’s just as likely you’re giving others around you the opportunity to say how they really feel and to also make big scary decisions bc they’re watching you succeed!

If you read this far, thank you 💕 I hope you’re having a wonderful holiday season!!

[firelord-frowny]

lmao here’s a Little Known Reason why my dad has earned himself a Shitty Relationship with me. 

I’ll start with a recent example.

You know what his so-called ~birthday present~ for me was?

Picking me up from a concert in DC. 

a concert that I PAID FOR. My mom went with me bc she’s my bestie, obviously, but my dad suggests to her that she count Going With Me To A Concert That I PAID FOR as my birthday gift from her. however since my mom is not a callous asshole, she gave me an actual gift anyway. 

Literally, for almost every birthday I’ve had since I was like 17ish, my dad’s ~presents~ to me have almost exclusively been to drive me somewhere so that I can use my money to buy myself something. 

he can’t even bother to just take the money from me and pick up the item his damn self. he drives me to the store to buy my own fucking birthday gift and doesn’t even bother to get out of the car. 

AND lmfao 

this one goes waaaaaaaay back.

My fav band of allllllllllltiiiiiiiiime is Rage Against the Machine. In early spring of 2011, right after I graduated high school, RATM announced what, at the time, was going to be their Last Concert Ever after being on hiatus for several years. It was gonna be in los angeles at the LA coliseum.

i BEGGED my parents to take me. Obviously I know that’s a Big Ask, going all the way across the country to see a band. I know that’s a lot of money. But I had just graduated, and my birthday was in a few days, so I beeeeeggggeeeed for them to take me as a birthday and graduation gift. especially since i’d just gotten into college on a HELLA thick scholarship.

But nope, they didn’t wanna bother with all that. 

I tried to bargain: if you take me to see rage against the machine, i’ll give up birthday and christmas gifts for the rest of my life. 

A few days later, on my birthday,  i opened my lil present to find tickets for the concert. 

i. flipped. OUT!!! with joy! 

Had a fucking blast at the concert when the day finally arrived. literally one of the best experiences of my life. 

Fast forward 11 years later, and without fail, on every single birthday, and every single christmas, if i even MENTION wanting anything at all for christmas, he gets all snotty like ~no, you gave up presents, you can’t break your word now~.

??????????????? I WAS SIXTEEN FUCKING YEARS OLD! I was a fucking miserable social pariah who never had ANYONE go above and beyond for me in a way that would have meant a lot to me in the context of my emotional maturity level at the time. I was never ever given anything even remotely extravagant. Never taken to the zoo, never taken to the aquarium, never taken to a music concert, never gifted anything expensive. i think we went to six flags like three times, total. 

and now my favorite band is performing for what might be the last time ever in history, and i HAVE to go. if i can only have one single over-the-top experience gifted to me by my parents, THIS is the one I need it to be. And I’ll give in to ANYTHING to make it happen. 

so i utter some fucking stupid desperate words about how ~you’ll never ever ever ever have to buy me christmas or birthday gifts ever again.~ 

And i just get so fucking upset thinking about the fact that he didn’t take me to LA to celebrate my graduation/college acceptance/birthday - he took me to LA so he’d have an excuse to never spend any special time or money on me for birthdays/christmas. he didn’t fucking care how happy it would make me, or how loved it would make me feel, or what a memorable experience it would be for me. 

any other parent would have brushed off the impulsive, desperate waiver of gifts as the juvenile impulsiveness of a 16 year old child. 

but not this dad! this dad is EAGER to never celebrate important moments in my life.